


When I'm Fucked Up, That's the Real Me

by xsulemax



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst, Borderline Personality Disorder, Borderline!Harry, College AU, Denial of Feelings, Dom!Harry, Eating Disorder, Harry is the sweetest bean, Louis is sunshine, Love/Hate, M/M, Self Harm, Spanking, Sub!Louis, Subdrop, Subspace, eventually, mentions of self harm, please don't read if you're easily triggered by the mentioned, subdrop will be warned before that specific chapter so you can skip it if you want :), ummm what else, writer!harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-29 12:30:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5127686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xsulemax/pseuds/xsulemax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I used to think that maybe love was at the bottom of a bottle and if I drank just enough, I'd finally collect enough to make me realize that maybe not everyone's so bad. I haven't found enough bottles." </p>
<p>"Well maybe you just haven't found the right drink, is all. A tall glass of Louis might help you, I reckon. Wouldn't hurt to try would it?" </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Or the one where Harry has a journal and a drinking problem (among other problems) and all Louis wants is someone to hold him and tell him he's a good boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LexiStylinsonMalik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LexiStylinsonMalik/gifts).



I hate Louis. I mean I _really_ hate Louis. He's too loud and too charismatic and too bubbly and too _Louis_. There's no particular reason, really, but something's just off about him and my gut feeling hasn't failed me yet, so the boys suggesting I hang out with him is actually quite uncalled for.

 

"He's not a bad guy, Harold!" Niall groans. "You've hated him since our first day at university and I don't understand why. He's a great guy to be around." Niall tries to reason.

 

"I just don't like him, is all." I mumble. "Something weird with him, I don't like it."

 

"Cmon mate, I'm not that bad are I?" I freeze. That obnoxious voice I only hear in my nightmares is resonating in my ears and this better be a fucking trick my ears are playing on me becau-

 

"Tell him, Ni. I'm not that bad, right?" Louis giggles. He fucking giggles. He's looking at me from the doorway with his pretty blue eyes and I resist the urge make a comment. I might not particularly like the kid, but he's fit as fuck. He looks soft, but I can also figure his body's pretty hard if all the times I see him at the gym are of any indication of his physical fitness. His bum is ridiculously amazing and his thighs. Fuck me. But don't.

 

"Done staring, are you?" Louis smirks, flicking his slight fringe out of his eyes. I almost blush. Almost.

 

"Wouldn't you love that." I shoot back with a roll of my eyes. "What are you doing in my dorm anyway? It's what, 11:30? Don't you have a bedtime?" I tease him. His cheeks flare up and he narrows his eyes at me. Him being around two months younger than me, a fact Liam provided me, really seems to get on his nerves when brought up.

 

"You're 19 as well, twat." He huffs, then walks towards Liam who's sitting on Niall's bed trying to study for some test I presume. 

 

"For your information, young Harold," Liam starts, "I texted him and asked him to come over. You hating him is kind of childish and we all like Lou, so it's kind of hard to hang out with you if one of our friends makes you want to pull your bloody hair out." I scoff, offended.

 

"Alright first of all, you're only like, what, 2 years older than me? And I mean look at him, mate! He's so fucking annoying!" I groan, trying to get my point across. Louis raises his eyebrows and smirks slightly. Arrogant little shit.

 

"All we're saying is you should at least take him out for drinks. He's a good person Haz, please? We'll leave you alone after, but at least try to be civil." Niall practically begs. During all of this Louis is seated on the bed across from me, studying my face carefully. I glare in his direction. He's the cause of this. If my friends weren't so bloody taken with him I probably wouldn't have to deal with him at all, but really, what can I do?

 

I groan and give in. "Fine, whatever. I'll take him out to a pub or something, but this isn't voluntary! I'm only doing it so you'll get off my arse." I stare pointedly at Niall, then Liam.

 

"Yes! Alright I'm positive you'll have fun. Just get a couple drinks in you and it'll go amazingly." Niall is practically bouncing off the walls, my annoyance clearly not phasing him. Liam smiles at me and mouths be nice before looking back at his law textbook. I sigh, getting up. I pull on a leather jacket that's probably Niall's and I nod at Louis to follow me. I can't believe I'm being forced into this by my amazing friends.

 

"So, where are we going?" Louis bounces happily on the balls of his feet as we take the lift down to the first floor of our dorm building.

 

"There's this place I've been meaning to go to, shame it's with you, but I'm sure it'll be fun regardless. Maybe I'll pick someone up, who knows." I smirk. Louis stifles a laugh.

 

"Have you ever actually had a random fuck? You look like the most innocent thing, and only 19?" Louis gasps. I chuckle lightly, amused. This might be alright after all if Louis can just keep being funny and not an annoying twat. Maybe it's because I know I'll be drunk in a couple hours. That's most definitely the reason.

 

A taxi ride later, and we're standing in front of a very nice club with a very long line at the entrance. "Shit." Louis mutters. "How are we supposed to get in?" He looks up at me, eyes a little wide with worry. He takes his thin bottom lip between his teeth and I smile a crooked smile at him.

 

"My mate Zayn's the bouncer. I reckon he can get us in," I say pleasantly, and walk towards the front. Louis trails behind me quietly, his eyes taking in the large neon sign that reads Boulevard 3 in loopy, pink letters. As we walk past the line of people, I see quite a few wandering eyes on Louis. Before I know what I'm doing, I have him tucked against my side, my large hands covering his hip. He looks up at me in shock and I actually blush this time. What the fuck are you doing, Harry? You hate him, remember? I smirk down at him, not letting him see how much his tight, curvy, body pressed against my side is affecting me. "Don't want you to get hit on by some creepy guy. I doubt you could defend yourself, love." Louis scoffs and I wink and pull him along with me past the front doors.

 

"Have fun, mate! Don't drink too much, yeah?" Zayn calls out as we pass him without a hitch.

 

"Of course, cheers!" I call back eagerly. "C'mon, Lou! I hear the bar here is amazing, and I have every intention of having a good time, if that's even possible with you here." I try to look as stern as possible, but it doesn't sound as I intended, more like banter between close friends. I find that i'm kind of enjoying it. Louis laughs and shakes his head.

 

"I'm not here to ruin your night, go have fun." He smiles brightly. I let go of my surprisingly tight hold on his waist and he's gone, disappearing in the crowd. I look at him go, then quickly resume my journey to the bar.

 

Five pints and God knows how many shots later, I'm drunk. No, I'm way passed that. More like fucked up. I make my way to the dance floor, stumbling slightly. I'm a shit dancer and I know it but somehow I get my limbs to cooperate and move to the beat. The DJ, a bloke named Ed something, is playing some amazing music and I'm having a pretty great time when I feel someone press themselves against me. I sway lightly against the small boy pressing his amazing bum on my crotch, slowly grinding to the beat of the song. My head feels fuzzy and pleasure is tingling all throughout my body, that is, until I stumble.

 

"Oops." I laugh, offering the boy a hand as my loss of balance seems to have almost knocked him over.

 

"Hi." He whispers, shyly. I look down, surprised. I'd recognize that pretty voice anywhere.

 

"Louis!" I yip cheerfully. "I should've known it was you, not many boys have an arse quite like that." My voice drops an octave and Louis' seems to go up one.

 

"Oh!" He squirms slightly, his bum still swaying lightly against my front. I bite my bottom lip and bring my mouth to his neck. Harry, what are you doing? My mind seems to yell at me. I find the alcohol in my system doesn't care much for silly grudges, only hot, pretty boys in front of me.

 

I nip a love bite into the side of his his neck and he fucking whines hotly, pressing himself into me even more. Fuck. "Keep moving like that, love, and I can't guarantee I'll be keeping my hands to myself." I whisper into his ear deeply. He shivers at my words, getting impossibly closer to me. He raises his arm behind his head to tug on my curls and the action goes straight to my cock.

 

"I don't think I'd like you keeping your hands to yourself." He moans into my ear, emitting a growl from my throat. I slip my hand into his trousers, tracing his cock lightly with the tip of my finger. "Fuck!" Louis moans, bucking into my hand, shuddering. I smirk against his neck, biting sharply before pulling off. He's breathing heavily and I'd usually point out how responsive he's being if I wasn't convinced he'd stop whatever it is that is happening between us if I poked fun at him.

 

I pull my hand out of his jeans and before he can complain, I turn him over so his chest is against mine. "You're so little." I croon at him lightly, pecking his nose lightly.

 

"Not where it counts." He counters sassily, pressing hot open-mouthed kisses onto my collar bone. I smirk, sliding my hands over his arse and squeezing.

 

"I can tell, love, don't worry." I whisper into his soft hair. Louis moans into my neck as I start kneading his bum, squeezing sharply, and kneading again. I really want to kiss him, but then that would mean I actually don't hate him and I absolutely do.

 

I remove my hands from his arse and slide one into his jeans. I place my other hand in front of his mouth, sticking out my pointer finger. He gets the hint and opens his mouth, taking my finger into his mouth and sucking. His blue eyes stare into my green ones and my breath hitches. His pupils are dilated and it's as if they're glazed over with what I can only describe as lust. He releases my finger and seems to remember who I am.

 

"Wait, don't you hate me?" He asks, his voice a little strained, both my hands now literally in his pants.

 

"Of course I do. You're so bloody preppy and loud and your laugh goes on for a beat too long and your fucking sarcasm is so bloody annoying to deal with and you're so fucking beautiful." The look he gives me is so intense and I'm not sure what to do now that I've admitted to him that I find him attractive.

 

"You think I'm beautiful? Like a girl?" He frowns at that, but presses his bum into my hands and I resume my rough kneading.

 

"Yeah, have you ever actually seen yourself in a mirror? Your cheekbones are unreal and your eyelashes, so bloody pretty." Louis' cheeks are painted crimson at this point, still mewling softly.

 

"You're pretty attractive yourself, Styles. So big. Everywhere.." He trails off, eyeing me up and down. "You're tall and broad and your hair always looks good." I smile slightly, looking away.

 

“Don't need to flatter me love,” I respond, looking back at Louis, my heart feeling fond and my brain feeling fuzzy. “I'm going to fuck you either way.” I smirk at Louis expression, dazed and already starting to look flustered. I peck his cheek, resisting the urge to smog him properly.

 

“Cmon then, babe. Your dorm? Unless you want the boys to hear you scream.” Louis almost scowls at that. Almost. But then he's leaning into me and pressing his hot mouth against my ear and I don't know if I can actually feel his heartbeat on my chest or it's just mine pounding at my ribs but I swear I've never felt anyone fit into me like a puzzle piece and I think I'm really fucked because I hate him.

 

“Alright then, Harry. Let's go,” he whispers breathily, his tone eager and a bit anxious by how unsteady it was. I don't trust myself to not get distracted by Louis, so I detach from him and intertwine our hands together and try not to think about his small his hands are and how if I tried I could maybe cover him completely.

 

I manage to flag down a taxi without falling over, which means I'm starting to sober up, and the reality of our situation is becoming very apparent. What makes it worse is that I absolutely can't think with Louis on top of me and nipping at my neck. I let out a very harsh, “Sit still!” and wow I've never seen anyone try so hard to obey a simple command. That's interesting.

 

We arrive and I pay the driver in an exchange that is the definition of awkward, complete with a wink and a very humiliating, “Have fun boys!” to complete it. He drives off and Louis is stifling a laugh behind me, eyes shining, the wrinkles at the corners of them making an appearance. I can't help myself when I burst out laughing, his loud laugh accompanying mine Short after. I never noticed how well they seem to fit together, like two parts of the same melody.

 

“Are you alright, Haz? My dorms up on the fourth floor and I don't want you to fall over trying to get there. How much have you had to drink?” Louis sounds concerned and a bit disheartened and no no no Louis should absolutely never sound sad, or so my alcohol riddled brain seems to think because then I'm kissing him and I don't remember how to breathe.

 

His lips are soft and firm and they're on mine moving slowly in a calculated fashion that I feel very in control of. Louis moans lightly into my mouth when my hands move from his face to his hips, gripping the soft flesh tightly, leaving light bruises for sure. His hands snake up my back, dragging his fingertips along my spine and settle in my hair. He gives a sharp tug and I try not to moan, my face feeling flushed and too hot all of a sudden. 

 

I immediatly disconnect our lips, finding myself to enjoy it too much. "You said something about a room?" I try to come of as cheeky but honestly I'm too out of breath and my voice cracks slightly. 

 

Louis smiles and takes my hand softly. I let myself be led to his room, up stairs and around corners. All I can think about is that bloody kiss. How can someone I hate have this kind of affect on me? We get to a room and he lets go of my hand, snapping me back to the present. As soon as we're in the room I kiss him fiercely, pushing him back against the door. 

 

"Wait, Harry, please. I can't." Louis wiggles out of my grip, away from me. I reach for him slightly, but I snap out of it and cross my hands tightly. 

 

"You're really drunk, I can taste it on you," I try not to let the fact that he indeed did taste it linger for too long. "..and this could really turn into something you'll regret in the morning and I'm not quite sure I want that ok? You're welcome to stay the night? Please?" He comes towards me and I flinch, guarded and closed off now that I really know who I'm here with. 

 

"No, Louis. I have to go. Now. I-" I don't quite know what I want to say, but I'm not letting him know what he's doing to me. I hate him. I hate him so much. I hate him so much. I'm walking out the door. I hate him so much. He's reaching for me again I think because I feel his hand on my shoulder, but it also could be that I want him to pull me back. I hate him so much. I'm walking down the corridor, down the stairs. I never heard the door close. I hate him so much. 


	2. Bring Your Body Baby (I Can Bring You Fame)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I plan for this to have around 10 chapters, at least 8 and at most 12. Updating was hard for me because of tests I've had in school, but I might get more time after this one so maybe once every two weeks? xx

"Hey, Haz. You look like absolute shit. How much did you drink mate?” Niall, my roommate, can be quite a pain in the mornings.

 

"Ni, I'm very hungover and it's like 6am. Let me sleep," I groan, my throat burning and my head pounding away. "Do we have any painkillers? Fuck," I want to crawl into a hole and quite literally die. Of course, being Niall, he ignores my second question and instead reminds me of all the things I have to do today.

 

"It's actually 10 and your first class is at noon and I've seen you sleep through your hangovers until at least 2pm. Not having that shit. Anyway, what happened with Louis?" His voice is almost hesitant, clearly afraid that last night went horribly wrong and wow holy shit last night didn't go terribly wrong.

 

The memories are coming back in waves, moment after moment. All of the alcohol I consumed clearly fuzzing the memories and creating a dream like sequence, where I'm not sure how I'm hopping from shots to dancing with Louis, taxi rides, laughing with him. That last one might very well be a figment of my imagination because I don't ever remember Louis’s laugh being quite so enjoyable, definitely not laughing _with_ him.

 

I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong, however. It's weird and unsettling and maybe I should answer Niall because he's been looking at me with these big, hope filled eyes.

 

“Umm, we went for drinks? It's a club so I guess it could've been worse yeah?” I'm fumbling a bit here but I'm exhausted and in pain. That's as good as an excuse as any.

 

“Why are you telling me in questions? Seriously how much did you drink, Harry? We’ve talked about this before mate, you get a bit carried away-”

 

“Niall I'm fine okay? Jesus we have talked about this before and I remember telling you that I didn't have a problem. I can quit if I want to, I just don't see what I'm doing wrong.” I pout, my head continuing to pound. If I don't take care of this headache, I might actually pass out from pain. Then Niall would absolutely lose his shit and ban alcohol from the dorm, even though he's bloody Irish and I doubt he can survive without alcohol for more than a couple of days. Better not risk it though.

 

Ignoring the nonsense he's telling me about how I can't drink so much so often, I drag myself out of bed and plop onto the floor. Sighing, I struggle to my knees, then propel myself upward in a graceful display of elegance and poise. Walking (stumbling) towards the bathroom, I turn on the light, blinding myself, and search for Ibuprofen. “See? I'm fine! Didn't even throw up or anything. I'm fine.” I then proceed to scramble to the toilet and vomit.

 

-

 

“I win again!” Liam is screaming and for a second I fear the safety of my ps4 controller, but then he sets it down on the counter and tackles Louis to the ground. Well, he tries anyway. The boys came over to Niall and I’s room tonight, as we alternate, to play the new FIFA game. Louis joined them. I'm assuming Niall told everyone that we don't hate each other anymore and that's maybe not as unfortunate as it sounds. Of course, I still dislike him, but last night probably went pretty well. Everything I remember, anyway.

 

“Hey Harry?” I jump as no one really tried to talk to me after I announced my hangover but there's Louis, calling my name. The room is dead silent, everyone's eyes on me, as everyone probably assumed I'm going to snap at Louis.

 

“Yeah?” I mumble, opting to play nice today. The tension in the room seems to die down as everyone resumes their banter, ignoring us.

 

“Can we talk? In the hallway?” Louis is fidgeting and looking everywhere but at me and something must've happened because he's never outright avoided me. The fucker loves playing around, especially poking fun at me.

 

“I suppose?” I get up from my bed and head towards the door, Louis behind me. As soon as we’re out of earshot, he begins.

 

“Look I'm really sorry about last night, I didn't mean to make you angry or anything. It's just I know you well enough, or at least I think I do, and I know you would've regretted what happened in the morning and I don't want you to hate me even more-”

 

“What?” He's talking way too fast and I have no idea what's going on or when I was angry. “The last thing I remember is us laughing outside the building or something what are you-” fuck. It's rushing in now, this flood of memories, distorted and hazy, much like a carnival mirror where you look nothing like yourself, except now it's all clear and I'm drowning. I can hear the blood rushing in my ears and it sounds a lot like _Louis Louis Louis_ and suddenly everything is Louis. We're dancing at the club and he's all over me in the taxi and then he's not and then we're laughing in the street. I kissed him. _Twice_. I kissed him and he kissed me back and fuck things have never been so fucking clear.

 

“We were going to..” I rake my fingers through my hair, trying to calm down, as I process this revelation of how the night actually ended.

 

“I wanted to,” he whispers softly, and I almost don't hear him. “Fuck, Haz, I wanted you so bad and you don't know how hard it was to say no but you were so drunk-”

 

“Stop it!” I let out loudly, ending his ramble. Everything is too loud inside my head and I just need him to be quiet for a second so I can think. “Look, that was a mistake.” I breathe slowly, calculated, perfect. I'm in control. I'm in control. I'm in con-

 

“You're fucking joking, right?” Louis is yelling now and I don't know what exactly to do as he gets closer and presses me against the corridor wall. I'm not in control. “You're seriously telling me you didn't feel anything last night? That you were just drunk? Are you fucking serious, Styles? Are you actually insane?” I recoil at that. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. I push Louis off of me.

 

“I'm not crazy!” I'm shouting now and the boys can definitely hear us because they're rushing out of the room.

 

“Hey! Calm down, Harry what's wrong?” Niall is crowding me and he's too close and he's touching me, making me look at him, and I don't like it.

 

“Don't touch me, okay?” My chest feels tight and I want to scream and he's not letting me go and I don't like it.

 

“Louis what the hell did he do now?” I hear the wariness in Liam's voice as he asks this. It's all my fault. It's always me messing up. They like Louis more than me and that's totally fine. They deserve happy friends. They deserve emotionally stable friends. They deserve Louis. He'll make them happier, and I hate him for it. I hate him so much. Niall make me look at him again and he must see the things I can't say because suddenly he's yelling.

 

“Liam, Harry's not done anything, don't be unfair,” he lets me go and turns around to point an accusing finger at Louis.“He’s probably the one who did something! He's the one who called Harry out here in the first place!” I close my eyes, the yelling hurting my head more than the hangover is. I try to breathe and focus on calming down, my heart beating fiercely, and block out everything else.

 

People are opening their doors now, wanting to see what the commotion in the hallway is. I see Nick, a friend of mine who sits next to me in class, approaching us. “Harry? Are you alright?” I nod my head sharply, focusing on the scene we’re causing. Liam and Niall are now yelling at each other, Louis glaring at nothing in particular. “Harry?” I jump, Nick now in front of me. “Are you alright? Honestly? You seem really dazed, bro.” Nick reaches out to touch my shoulder and I jerk back, away from him.

 

“Please don't touch me.” I mean for it to come off strong and stern, but I can hear the wobble in my voice and it's more of a whisper than anything else and I truly hate myself for being so weak.

 

“Harry? Cmon. We’re leaving.” It's Niall again. His face is flushed red and he looks about ready to punch someone. Liam looks equally as agitated, if not more. It's my fault.

 

“Seriously? You can't even finish the shit you're starting?” Liam snaps angrily, his voice sharp and harsh around the edges and it's cutting into me. I recoil, knowing that I’m the one starting shit here and maybe if for once I could control my emotions I'd maybe not be so miserable and my friends wouldn't be so miserable.

 

“I'm sorry,” I croak out, my voice a little dry and raspy and I want to run away. I do. I run into my dorm, into my bed, away from everything. I let the quiet and collected facade fall and I'm screaming into the pillow, fisting the sheets in my hands until my knuckles turn white. Our RA probably arrived because the boys didn't come in until a couple of minutes later. _The boys. I'll miss calling them that._

 

“Haz?” I tense up, the voice being what got me here in the first place. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, love. Niall told me you can be quite..” I look up quickly, alarmed. Niall told him? Why did Niall tell him? “Well I mean he wasn't very specific but he said you get moody and I'm so sorry. I didn't meant to upset you.” Louis looks down at me, his eyes pleading. I can't look at him. I nuzzle back into the pillow under me and groan, upset and too exhausted to deal with the emotions that seem to be pumping through my blood until every inch of my body is burning, like if there's fire in my veins.

 

“It's fine, Louis. I overreacted.” I slip into my defense mechanism. “It's not that big of a deal, I'm still hungover and that's probably why I got upset. It's fine.” Defense. It's all I've ever known.

 

“It's not fine though!” He snaps and I flinch, burying my face back into the pillow.

 

“Please don't yell,” I manage to squeak out, my voice muffled slightly. Louis sighs.

 

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-”

 

“Get the fuck away from him.” Niall’s voice is not loud or particularly scary, but I still shiver. I try to wiggle away from Louis in an attempt to comply.

 

“Jesus, Haz. Not you, love, never you. I'm talking to that asshole over there!” He grabs Louis and pulls him up and okay he's not upset with me.

 

“Get your hands off me, Horan, or I swear to god-”

 

“What? You'll yell at Harry again? Make him feel like shit? That's all you seem to be doing, innit?” Louis physically flinched at that. He gives me a look that I can't quite decipher and he's gone. I hear Liam say something, but I don't process it and he's gone with Louis. Louis Louis Louis. Liam loves Louis. More than me, anyway.

 

“Hey? Harry? Can you hear me?” I snap out of my thoughts and turn around in bed to look up at him.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“It's not your fault okay? Not your fault that Liam and I started arguing. Not your fault.” I let it sink in, this revelation that I am not to blame.

 

“But Liam said that it was me, didn't he? He asked Louis what I did this time, I heard him. It's my fault, right?” I furrow my brows in concentration, trying to figure this out.

 

“No, love. He doesn't know you're borderline, does he?” I shake my head, not quite understanding what it has to do with anything. “Well, because he doesn't know, he doesn't understand why you do some of the things you do. It's not your fault, alright? He doesn't know any better, so he can't comprehend too much.”I breathe deeply, my head still pounding.

 

“Ni, I want to sleep. Is that okay?” I don't know how he heard me, I barely heard myself.

 

“Of course love. Do you want your journal? I know you write in it before you go to bed.” I nod, my curls bouncing slightly, tickling my forehead. He brings me my journal, a worn looking leather bound thing I found at a vintage shop back in Holmes Chapel.

 

_11:06 pm_

 

_I'm lying in my bed, but not really. That would suggest I'm home, but I'm not. Not really. Home is somewhere you feel warm and safe and whole. I am not whole. I am fragments and pieces and shards of a person, not really my own and not really someone else's. I am not home. I love it here, don't get me wrong, but I'm not home. I used to think home was with my mum and Gemma in our house back in Cheshire, but I don't think so anymore. Maybe home isn't really a place at all, but a feeling. Last time I felt at home was last night in parking lot with a boy who doesn't really know who I am. I felt warm and safe and whole. I laughed and I might've kissed him. Maybe twice. I felt at home. I hate him, though. He's everything I want to be and everything I'll never be. He's a whole person, plus some. I don't think I've ever hated anyone as much as him. I don't think I'll find someone else like him, either. I want to go home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm looking for a beta! If you're interested, please reach me via my tumblr, understandingwildfires!


	3. You and I, We're Made of Glass We'd Never Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Tumblr Girls by G-Eazy. I listened to it on repeat while I wrote this chapter. The chapter is a bit shorter than I'd like and there's mentions of alcoholism. Enjoy x

 

  
_2:34 am_

_It's like the first day of spring. Spring is a time of sunshine and rebirth and the trees grow back their leaves and the flowers spring up. Spring spring spring, everything springing up into its place, as they were before winter hushed and muted and hid them away. He is spring, but only the beginning. He is the still cold and frosty chill of winter not wanting to let go of the earth it calls home for three months, give a month, never take. You never take from winter. He is the still quiet earth of the Earth, the ground still packed and hard and not yet fertile, not yet ready for the life it will hold in two weeks time. Change is fast, never early, but always on time. He is not knowing how long you can stay like this, suspended in a limbo between yes and no and maybe and alright and never._

I slam my journal shut. It's been two weeks and no change and everything is settling, everything but me and my thoughts. I take a deep breath and try to think. I don’t really know why I like it so much, only that it's a comfort to read over my old thoughts and current thoughts and maybe think about future thoughts. It's all that goes through my head these days. Random phrases and lyrics and other beautiful arrangements on words I can scribble down on my arm to rewrite into this journal once I’m alone. Niall’s out. I only writes when I’m alone, only lets the deepest parts of me come alive on paper when I’m alone. Maybe there's a metaphor in that but I don't really fancy myself an amazing writer, so I guess I haven't figured it out just yet.

I ghost my fingers over the cover of the leather journal on my desk, twirling the pen in my other hand. When did I become so fucking sad? I groan, dropping my head to the tabletop. Out of the corner of my eye I see Niall's bedside digital clock change to 1:25 am and my heart sinks a little bit. He's not coming home again. Hasn't been for about a week.

I try to think back to when I’d see Niall everyday all the time, but Liam was always there and he yelled at me two weeks and one day ago (more like one hour and twenty-five minutes) and I still don't forgive him. Do I even deserve an apology?

The phone ringing interrupts my thoughts. It's rang every night since the fight. Maybe I was hoping it was Niall telling me he's finally coming home from the bar he likes to drown his problems in, but I think maybe a part of me knew. I should've checked the caller ID. Maybe then I would've stopped myself. Maybe, but I guess I've always been reckless.

“Hello?” I close my eyes and let the phone balance on my ear as I lay my head down again.

“Haz? Oh my god Harry I'm so sorry, always will be I think. I didn't mean to upset you okay? That night? I'm an idiot, what other night could I be referring to? Look Harry, babe, I know Liam’s sorry too. He's been wanting to-”

I hang up. I can't listen to Louis tell me all the things I want to hear when I know they aren't true. He knows they aren't true. Why is he lying to me? I force myself to calm down. It's okay. I'm in control. I'm in control. I'm in control. I get into bed and plug my ringing phone in to charge it overnight. I'm in control. I lift the covers. I get under the covers. It's all mechanical. I'm in control. The phone never stops ringing.

  
***

  
“Harry?”

“No.”

“Yes. Look Haz, we need to go to chemistry okay? C’mon, it's the only class we have together.”

I open my eyes and blink up at Niall.

“You weren't home last night.” It comes out as a whisper. It's weak and small and doesn't seem to be heard, or maybe chosen to be ignored. Pretty fitting considering it's me speaking.

“Get dressed yeah? I need to go grab some painkillers for my headache. I'm really stressed I guess and tension headaches run in the family!” He's almost shouting, trying to reassure me. I don't like liars.

“I know you’re drinking.”

“Harry-”

“No. Please don't. I know you try really hard not to trigger me or whatever but please don't lie to me?” I doubt he heard that last part. I doubt it matters.

“Hey, look. I promise I'll stay tonight okay? I know you don't like sleeping alone. I'm sorry, it's just Barbara’s been really insistent that I apologize to Liam and that's absolutely ridiculous and we’ve been fighting…”

I tune out the rest of what he's saying. It's my fault again. I make everyone's life harder than it has to be and I hate myself for it. Why do I keep messing up?

“Harry!” I jump, Niall suddenly in front of me. “It's not your fault. Absolutely none of it is your fault. I know what you're thinking and it's really not your fault. I love you and Barbara loves you and everyone should fucking love you because you're amazing and you're not terrible. I promise.”

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I finally breathe. The oxygen rushes into my neglected lungs and my heart is frantically trying to pump it to my cells to keep me alive, afraid if it's not fast enough it will disappear, but that's ridiculous I think. Hearts can't feel desperate and lungs can't feel neglected, but maybe they can. I'm not a biology major or an anatomy major (is that a thing?) or a psychology major. I'm just Harry, someone who everybody should love because I'm lovely and Niall said that and everything Niall says is true. I'd like to think so, anyway.

“Okay, Ni. Let's go to class okay?” I propel myself out of bed and head towards the bathroom. I don't notice that I'm kneeling against the toilet until Niall coughs, snapping me out of my autopilot. I guess when you wake up more hangover than sober most nights, you learn to be efficient. I'm not an alcoholic.

  
***

  
Today is a good day. Today is a really good day. It's a bit odd to others how I can go from the top of the world to feeling like absolutely nothing and right back up again. I don't quite understand it either, I just know that today can not possibly go wrong and Niall seems to be taking everything in stride.

We’re currently walking to Starbucks before class starts and he's never looked so proud of me, or maybe he just really loves coffee. He loves me. The asshole only drinks tea and liquor.

We (I) order and as we wait, I can't help but look around the dining area. There are people studying and hauling around huge bags. There are also people with hopefully at least one pen typing away at laptops and scribbling away in notebooks. Not like I do, I don't think. No, they're taking notes for class or studying before a quiz. They're not sad, only stressed. Sometime I like to tell myself no one else deserves sadness because I certainly hate it, but today is a happy day and I won't dwell on things that aren't happy. Happy day. Today.

“Harry, let's go.” I turn to Niall, a frown on his face.

“Iced caramel macchiato, upside down!” I turn around and retrieve my drink from the barista.

“Cmon, I barely got my coffee, let's sit around yeah? I know you've been a bit cooped up with me and I know you tell me you want to but you have friends and-

“Harry let's go.” I follow his gaze and my heart maybe stops for a second. Louis is standing in a group of about four people and he looks like shit. Even from back here I can see the dark rings around his eyes and he's not really smiling. I mean, he is. He's laughing and smiling along with whatever the guy in the red shirt is saying, but his eyes look really sad. I wonder what's on his mind. I have half a mind to help him, but memories of that night in the hallway make me turn away quick and look at Niall.

“Okay, Ni. Let's go.” My voice is strong today. It's a happy day. Or I mean, it was.

“Harry? Harry!” He's shouting and now everyone is looking at Niall and I as Louis makes his way across the cafeteria towards us. Liam is with him, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

“Harry, c’mon we can't do this right here.” Niall grabs my arm and pulls me outside to the quad area of campus. I sit under a willow tree, it's leaves tickling my cheek. I smile. I'd like to believe the willow is happy, too, because suddenly the wind picks up a little and it's beautiful to see the long branches wave at me.

“Harry?” I look up into cerulean blue eyes, almost as dark in this shade as the blue under his eyes. They don't twinkle because logically there's not much light they can reflect under a tree, but they still look much sadder than I ever remember them. Niall is a few feet away talking to Liam. Whispering is a better word, their hushed voices not making it very far. the wind carries their harsh tones and sharp words away from us.

“Yes, Louis?” I close my eyes and lean against the bark of this beautiful tree, real and tough and hard against my shirt. Real. More real than the pretty boy with the sad eyes sitting next to me, too far to be in my bubble, but close enough to where I can reach out a bit and take his hand into mine. I tell myself I don't want to do that. I tell myself a lot of things.

“I'm sorry, Haz, I really am. I didn't want to overwhelm you like that.”

**_“You get overwhelmed a lot, yes? Little things set you off? Sometimes it's like the everything is great and amazing and others you feel like nothing will ever go right?” He turns to my mother._ **

**_“You think of him as bipolar, but in the frequency you described the mood swings, it's not manic depressive. It's more than that.”_ **

“I didn't know for a long time why I reacted the way I did. I went to my dorm and trashed the place. I felt almost like I was floating behind, watching myself throw clothes and scream and cry.”

**_“He will have mood swings and he can't help that. See when someone is very empathetic, and I mean over the top, as a young child and also have a non validating environment, certain personality traits present themselves into adulthood. We call these personality disorders. There's a whole bunch of them, too.”_ **

**_“What do you mean non validating?! I'm always there for my son! I tell him to to tough it out and try to help him with handling his emotions-”_ **

**_“Robin please.” It's mum this time. Her eyes are closed so tight it almost looks painful. I take her hand in mine and she squeezes._ **

“I came to realize that it was you. You were the reason I was so mad. I don't mean that in a bad way, either. I really like you, Harry. I guess I always masked it when it became so painfully obvious that you hated me, but fuck you're everything sometimes. I don't think you realize how amazing you are.”

**_“So what is it then? What does he have?” Mum sounds angry, almost. Like if it's an outrage to even suggest that it's not just depression anymore. Or anxiety. Or PTSD. These things she can handle. Well, maybe not the PTSD. She doesn't know about that one. Dr. Greenwell promised not to tell until I was ready._ **

**_“He has Borderline Personality Disorder, ma’am.”_ **

**_“And how do we treat that? Is there some medication we can get him on?”_ **

**_“I'm afraid there's not much we can do medication wise. He already refuses to take the ones I've prescribed.” Mum is glaring at me, blaming me. I can tell. Ever since Gemma left her for college, she's always been blaming me._ **

**_“The only thing we can do is therapy, I'm afraid. Teach him to deal with the way he processes emotion. It's more intense than you or I might know them.”_ **

“Do you think we can be friends?” I look over at Louis, his face resembling that of a kicked puppy. I lean over and kiss his cheek very gently.

“Ok, Lou. That's fine.” His eyes seem to shine, even in the shade. It doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to. Louis never tried too hard, yet he's gorgeous and amazing and maybe I'll always hate him for it.

“Harry? Liam wants to apologize.” Niall and Liam wrestle with leaves for a second as they sit with us.

**_Robin bursts out of the room just as mum bursts into tears. I flinch at the sound of the door slamming, but mum seems to think it's because she's crying. The walls on our house are thin. I know she cries because of me._ **

**_“It's okay, Harry. My lovely lovely boy. It'll be okay.”_ **

**_“It won't.” I try to tell her, but my voice is muffled into her hair as she pulls me into a hug. I look over at my psychologist, his eyes dark brown. Dark. Dark. Dark._ **

**_“One day, Harry. Someone is going to make you feel like the solar system is his creation for you and you'll feel like glass, but you're stronger than a window or a pretty figurine your aunt got for Christmas five years ago. Don't let him go because you're scared.”_ **

**_“I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone. I think I'll be just fine alone. Who would love me anyway?”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bold italics are flashbacks :)


	4. Four Letters Is Never the Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have been gone due to an enjoyable ~existential crisis~ but I have every intention of finishing this fic.
> 
> Trigger warnings for: mentions of cheating  
> Although it's not tagged, there is a lot of Harry Styles/Nick Grimshaw flirting going, as well as slightly jealous Louis. Enjoy!

* * *

Niall walks into our room and slams the door behind him. I jump, startled by his abrupt entrance. “Niall?” He looks over at me and his eyes are rimmed red and watery. He doesn’t say anything to me. I look back down at my laptop and continue typing the lab report I had due later this week. I won’t force Ni to talk to me. He will on his own time.

 

“Barbara broke up with me.” I look up at Niall, disbelieving. Barbara? Niall and Barbara were it. They had been together since our 10th year and have been inseparable since. We’d even jokingly planned their wedding once, complete with a church they both enjoyed and talk of inviting Niall’s distant relatives back in his native Ireland.

 

“What? Why? Ni are you alright?” I sit up in bed and shut my chemistry book, reaching for him in his bed across mine. I want nothing more than to go comfort him and sit with him but I won't do that. Not unless he asks me to. Niall hates being crowded. 

 

“I don't know. Something about settling down too fast and not getting a chance to mess around and lots of things really, I just stopped listening. I walked out of her room as soon as she brought up transferring universities.” Niall collapses into his bed and turns away from me. I take this as my sign to leave him be for a bit. As per usual, I’m  wrong. “Come here, Haz? Give me a little cuddle. Think I need one.” 

 

“Always, Ni.” I crawl into bed with him and wrap my arms around his waist, tugging him towards me. It's a little awkward and his hair is tickling my nose and making me want to sneeze, but Niall needs me and now is not a time to be reminiscent of a person with allergies so I wiggle around a bit until we’re both comfortable. 

 

“Haz. She also said I didn't love her.” I took a deep breath before answering, seeing as love was not something I knew very much about in a successful light. 

 

“I think you loved her very much, Niall. Whether that was in a manner other than platonic is not something I can help you with.” I think I did that right. Niall seems to relax in my hold. He suddenly flips around, startling me. Facing me, he rests his head on my chest and starts crying. Oh. 

 

“I don't know, Harry! I don't know in what manner exactly I loved her but I did ok? I loved Barbara very much and I have since we were in junior high but now it's not Barbara I seem to notice at bars or parties anymore.” His voice gradually gets softer until I strain to hear his last words. I card my fingers through Niall's bleached blonde hair, finding little tangled every now and then. 

 

“Ni, I need to ask because you're my friend and I would never judge you unfairly since  love you very much, but did you sleep with another girl while you were with Barbs?” I hated asking and as Niall tenses against my hold I regret it, but if he cheated then that presented a whole other issue that I should try to be prepared to help him with. 

 

“I maybe kissed someone.” He revealed this so softly I almost missed it entirely. I shut my eyes and pulled him closer to me, his quiet sniffles now becoming full blown sobbing again. “I didn't know what I was doing, I swear. I was drunk and at the bar and I didn't know what I was doing. As soon as I knew I told him I had a girlfriend and he left and I'm an idiot.” 

 

“Him?” Niall stopped crying. He was still sniffling but his whole body froze up and I don't think any more tears were coming. 

 

“Harry how did you know you were into guys?” I sighed. Recollections of different memories all came into my mind at once. 

 

“I just knew, I think. I never really liked girls in a way that was more than friendly, even when they were quite literally falling all over me,” Niall laughs, remembering our junior year fiasco, “ and I only really noticed the fit guys in our gym, not the girls. I didn't really think much of it. Then I came out, and you know how that went.” 

 

“But I still like girls, I think. I find them attractive and I'd quite like to take one home every once in awhile, but I think I find guys attractive as well and I don't know what to do. I never really thought about it since I was with Barbara” 

 

“You don't have to do anything. It's okay. You're okay. We’ll figure it out together, okay?” Those are the last words we said that evening. After that, we took a well deserved nap together, something we hadn't really done since we were 15. It was nice, and Niall was a little better. I'd like to believe I helped him get there. 

  
  


-

  
  


The rest of the boys found out about Niall’s breakup soon enough. Liam brought a chocolate ice cream cake he found at the grocery store and Louis brought over loads of different crisps and a giraffe plushie. We were all huddled together in our cramped dorm watching a horror movie I had picked out on Netflix. Niall sat between Liam and I with Louis on my left. I didn’t mind his presence anymore. We definitely grew closer after the Willow Tree Makeup, as we all referred to it. He cuddled into me and I placed an arm around his shoulders. We didn’t really talk about what we were as it often resulted in one of us getting frustrated with the other. We were alright at the moment. We were just Harry and Louis. It was at this moment that there was a knock at the door and everyone screamed. 

 

“Christ..” I mumbled, a little embarrassed, as I got up to check who it was. I looked through the peephole and saw none other than Nick Grimshaw. “Fuck, guys my friend Nick is here. We need to work on our lab report. I can tell him to go away?” 

 

“No! It’s alright Haz we don’t mind.” Niall smiled at me from beside Liam and everyone seemed to agree. I opened the door and Nick came in, rolling his eyes.

 

“Damn, took you long enough Styles!” he remarked, making me blush. 

 

“Sorry, we were kind of having a little movie night but they don’t mind if we work for a little. I just need to go over some of the data tables and you can write up the conclusion, since I’ve pretty much done everything else.” I remarked, giggling. Louis cleared his throat and reached for his bottle of water sitting on Niall’s bedside table. 

 

“You sure? We can always go to mine’s if it’s a problem. Been wanting to get you in my dorm since we met.” Nick suggested cheekily and I blushed harder it seemed, my face feeling hot.  

 

“Keep your hands off my roommate Grimshaw!” Niall called out, laughing. “He’s too pure for your dirty ways.” I smiled as Nick scoffed, replying to Niall with something I didn’t quite catch. It was nice to see Niall a little more back to his protective self.  

 

“C’mon Nick, focus. Let me see your notes?” Nick stuck his tongue out at me as he sat on my bed and went through the book bag he brought with him. I rolled my eyes at his typical behavior and looked back to the boys on the couch. “Are you sure you don’t mind? We won’t take long but we can always go to Nick’s.” I couldn’t help but feel bad.

 

“No, all is well. You should be focusing on your schoolwork.” Liam smiled, winking at me and looking at Nick. I laughed, still blushing but considerably less than before. I looked over at Louis and he seemed angry. 

 

“Lou?” I said at the same time Nick yelled, “Found it!” I gave Louis a confused look and turned to finish things up with Nick. We spent maybe twenty minutes reviewing the lab report for chemistry and Nick spent ten of those flirting with me. I wasn’t clueless to the fact that Nick found me attractive and I returned the thought, but it had always been playful between us and it had never gotten more serious than the regular flirty banter. It was nice, knowing someone found me attractive. It did wonders for my ego and I wasn’t even ashamed of the fact. It’s not like Nick was in love with me, so flirting back didn’t seem like a bad thing.

 

“Okay, Nicky baby, seems we are finished.” I let out relieved. As much as I tried to get things done quickly and efficiently, it didn’t mean I enjoyed it. 

 

“Alright Harry baby, see you tomorrow!” he laughed, leaning over to kiss my cheek swiftly. I giggled for the millionth time it seemed and wiped my cheek dramatically, scrunching up my nose. 

 

“Don’t act like you didn’t love it!” Nick laughed as he begins to gather his various notebooks from my bed. The movie the boys and I were previously watching had just ended and Liam was getting the cake from our mini fridge.

 

“Hey, Nick! You should stay for some cake.” Niall called out as Nick got up from the bed. Louis seemed less than enthusiastic about the idea of Nick staying any longer and this confused me. If I knew any better, I would say he was jealous.

 

“That’s okay, I don’t really like cake all that much if I’m being honest.” Nick replied, smirking as always. He kissed my cheek once more before heading for the door.

 

“We have some crisps as well.” I tried. “Lou brought all different types.” I beamed up at Grimshaw and laughed when rolled his eyes at me and shook his head lightly. 

 

“Want to keep me around, do you Harry baby?” Nick teased. I smirked at him playfully, having fun with our little exchange. I loved having Nick around, he never failed to make me laugh.

 

“And what if I do?” 

 

“Well then you know where my room is,” Nick whispered loudly,” and you are welcome any time. I’ll catch you and Niall in class. Bye Liam, Louis.” Liam called out his goodbyes while Louis just gave Nick a rather forced smile and a wave. I locked the door behind him, going over to the couch where Liam was handing out slices of the cake on paper plates. I sat next to Louis as I usually did and picked at my small piece. I didn’t really like chocolate in large amounts, but the cake was really good and the ice cream made it all the more delicious. Louis leaned into me heavily, more than he usually did.

 

I didn’t mind. Today was a really good day, all things considered. Niall seemed to be in higher spirits and that made me happy beyond belief. Niall was always making me feel better and looking out for me so it felt really good to be able to repay him for that, even though he wasn’t taking score. Louis yawned next to me and I nudged him softly. “Want to lay in my bed? You look like you could use a nap.” It was only 5pm so it was a little too early to head for bed, but a nap was always appropriate, regardless of what time it was. 

 

“Only if you’ll lay with me?” Louis replied hesitantly, as if unsure of my reply. To be fair, I am pretty indecisive about my feelings towards him often. 

 

“Of course, Lou.” He smiled. It sounds a little offensive to just say smiled. It was a soft smile, one that isn’t really about how his mouth is moving but about how his eyes reflect the cheap yellow lights in the dorm and still manages to make them dance as he blinks. The kind of smile that makes you stop and stare as it sends a shock from your brain down your spine and into your limbs, resonating all the way down to your toes in pure fondness. I smile back, softly, hoping it’s the same kind of smile as his and hoping he sees the way my eyes are dancing for him. I think Nick is hot and sometimes I’d quite like to take him up on his offer of a fun Saturday night, but I don’t think anyone makes me feel quite like Louis does. 

 

He is my yellow paint. I don’t think about the consequences of my absolute adoration of this small boy in front of me, I can only think about the radiation of sunshine he gives off and how I want to close my eyes as one does when looking at something as magnificent as the sun and bask in its warmth. Basically I’m screwed. Being with him is toxic in the way that all I can ever offer him is disappointment and regret and a series of natural disasters. All I can offer him are the tornados that will throw everything we have away, the hurricanes that that will rip the foundations we lay and hurl them somewhere too far for us to retrieve them, the flood of emotions I can never control. The floods that will drown us in everything we fear and hate and regret about each other. He can only ever be toxic to me, but I can’t stop myself from wanting him. 

 

I put my half-eaten plate of cake on the couch and follow him to my bed, across from Niall’s bed where he is mindlessly chatting with Liam. He is smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. _That’s okay_ , I think. _That’s enough for now._

 

“Haz, be my big spoon, yeah?” Louis smiles up at me from where he has already sprawled onto the bed. 

 

“Scoot over, then.” I reply quietly, as not to disturb Ni and Liam. I shuffle my way behind Louis, his bum flush against my crotch and I feel myself react, but I keep myself together. Louis and I can’t end well. I know this. I drape my arm over Louis’ frame and rest my hand on his thigh. He lays his head on my other arm’s bicep, his soft hair tickling the skin there. I rest my chin on top of his head and try not to think about how we fit almost perfectly like two parts of the same song. He wiggles further into me before relaxing, taking a deep breath before settling. 

  
  


“Nighty night, Haz.” He whispers, placing a light kiss on the arm he’s laying his head on. I feel my heart speed up in my chest, pounding away at it’s skeletal cage as if it can beat its way out towards Louis’. 

  
“Nighty night, Lou.” _Yeah_ , I think, _I am definitely screwed_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for my extended absence. School is now out for me and I have always loved writing. Dropping it seemed like a good thing but it honestly made things a little harder. I am back however, new laptop and everything!
> 
> This is more of a filler chapter with nothing too major, but I hope it's worth the very long wait :)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first chaptered story anywhere and my first story posted on Ao3 so excuse any errors as I don't have a beta for this one yet. Thanks to Nat for hosting this exchange and getting me started on this story! Hope you enjoy and feel free to leave kudos and comments! This story will include the personality disorder BPD so if in depths of that will trigger you, please be careful and read with caution. xx


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